The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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