Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
