I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My sheets look like a crime scene.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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