There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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