My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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