my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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