This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
