okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
