I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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