I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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