where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize