Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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