My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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