highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
