on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think people are normalizing furries
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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