Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what day is it and did you see me today?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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