plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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