She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
