Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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