see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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