It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize