If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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