At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
