her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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