I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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