I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need to align my fucking chakras
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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