if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
