i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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