ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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