Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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