Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Someone came in the potted fern
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
