"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize