The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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