I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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