I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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