Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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