I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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