How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize