No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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