I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She told me I should be a condom model.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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