you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
