bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
