I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
