I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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