I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
