my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
