I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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