My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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