We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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