I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
