she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
