i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize