so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
