I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
