if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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