rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
