My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
