if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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