We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
