Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
